We drove straight for two days, and didn't stop (minus gas, piss, and food breaks) until we reached my house. I stepped out of the car, cramped and weary from driving for the past six hours. Alex rubbed her eyes, waking. "We're here." I whispered.
I stared at the house from my spot next to the open driver's side door. I could get in again, and drive away, if I wanted. Run from the ghosts, run from the half-chances and the rejection. Run and perhaps start over, without them. Alone.
I had a stack of wedding invitations and a brother to find. I wasn't going to turn back this time. I told Alex to stay in the car with Theo, and shut the door. Confirmation. Cautiously I approached the door, and rung the doorbell, like a stranger. It felt like years before anyone answered. In my mind I saw all of my family members answering the door. My Dad, wearing a face full of confusion and anger - my Mother, trying to wipe away her tears, Isaac slamming the door at a glance, Avery and Jessica's hesitance, Zoë staring at me like a stranger, and Mackie's unbound love. What would I say to them? I hadn't called for months... Isaac hated me, and Alex's baby was living with me, learning to call me "Daddy," when everyone in the room knew exactly whose Daddy I wasn't... and here I was with this stack of envelopes in my hand, and the question of Christmas on my mind. My gifts were in the car, but I knew that they had nothing for me - they wanted to clean the slate of me.
"Tay?" My thoughts were brought to a halt when my sister, Jessica appeared in the doorway. She looked surprised, and then uncomfortable.
"Hey." I spoke softly. Jessica stared at me and her eyes glazed over and she wrapped me up in a hug. I was taken aback, and tears blurred my vision. We stood, silently, embracing for a long time in that doorway until someone entered the front hallway.
"Taylor?" My father's voice called. I couldn't read him by how he said my name, so I opened my eyes and saw his face. He stood staring at me, and for the first time in two years, I saw him for what he had become - hurt and tortured. In that brief moment, I saw his tired eyes - but his face hardened before I could dig too deep. He looked old to me. Done.
I wiped my face and pulled slowly away from my sister. "Dad?" I said, softly, it was more a statement than a question. A statement devoid of emotion, but not cold.
"What are you doing here?" He asked.
I held the invitations tight in my hand, I didn't know what to say. "It's Christmas." Was all I could come up with.
Suddenly I saw him surrounded by decorations - the holly on the banister - the bells hanging from the windows, the Christmas wreath on the door, and the tree peaking around the corner. We had neglected to decorate at my apartment this year. My father was bitter, and his short words cut me deep. "You weren't invited here."
"I'm your son." I said, "I shouldn't have to be." I started to falter under the weight of his anger - my burden. "Alex is in the car with Theo... I thought maybe... I thought maybe he could see his family on Christmas." Once I said the words aloud, they sounded stupid - who was I to think I could just waltz in, and suddenly mend everything together and have a Happy Christmas with a family who hated me so much they couldn't even call us on Theo's first birthday? Tears blocked my throat, and I broke; crushed beneath the force of my father's stare.
"What makes you think you're welcome?"
I shrugged, the tears hit the floor in front of me; I hung my head and avoided his stare. "I have no other place to go."
"Do you know what you've put us through?"
I held up my hand. "Don't."
"Don't what?"
"Don't tell me." I sighed. "I already know, I already fucking know."
"I don't think you do." He tried to protest, but I caught him off guard.
"Would you like to see your grandson?" When I looked up, his face was suddenly softer, and he broke his stare. "He's in the car." I said. "Would you like me to go get him?"
He nodded his head, and I turned swiftly and passed Jessica in the doorway. Her eyes followed me as I walked by, but I only gave her a brief glance. Alex was standing outside holding Theo in her arms. "What happened?" She asked.
"My Dad is being a bitter asshole, but he wants to see Theo."
She followed close behind me and we reentered the house together, holding her one-year old in her arms. My mother was now in the hallway, with tears in her eyes.
"Taylor!" She was surprised, but I thought I heard happiness in her tone.
"Mom..."
She saw Theo next. "He's so beautiful..." She reached out took him from Alex's arms. "He's so ... so beautiful."
"Theo... meet Grandma." I said softly over her shoulder, and she began to cry, holding him tight. "Mom..." I placed my hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"
"I miss having babies." She said. "Everything is so simple for babies."
I was floored. Why must my mother always strike my core like that? All I could do was nod in response as Theo babbled and drooled in her arms. He only spoke a few words, words like mommy, and dada, and ball, which he said relatively randomly - but for some reason he always timed "Don't cry" perfectly, it was like he knew by the atmosphere what was good and what was bad. My mother was surprised when he mumbled something that sounded like "Dohn-kra" and promptly reached for her face.
"What did he just say?" She asked, trying to decipher a word - looking in too deep.
I looked at the floor. "Don't cry." I said softly.
"What?"
"He told you not to cry."
Both my parents stared at me and I felt small under their gaze. Everyone knows that a child learns what's in its environment. He picked it up, and neither of us, Alex or myself, could really determine how, we just knew that it hurt every time he said it. We wanted to believe he knew what he was saying, and that maybe things would get better. Alex took my hand.
"He looks just like him." My Dad said, finally - trying to fill in the cracks, erase the moment that came before. "Almost exactly like he did at that age..."
Big hot tears were rolling down my Mom's cheeks as she nodded her head, agreeing with him. I decided that I would do it then. I reached in my pocket and pulled out the stack of envelopes again. I looked between the two of them nervously and held them out in front of me.
"What are those?" Asked my Dad.
"Wedding invitations." I responded. "I made one up for each of you, I don't really know why. I thought maybe you would like to come." I softly changed my thought. "Actually, I knew I couldn't get married if you weren't there."
"Is this why you came?" My Dad asked.
His words angered me. Incensed and hurt, my words came out thick with tears. "I thought maybe... I thought maybe it was all a misunderstanding and that you would still want to see me... I thought maybe Theo could have Christmas here with the family... and that you would all be happy to come to our wedding... And that maybe, in some far stretch of the imagination, I thought that I could be a part of this family again. I guess I was just naive to think that you would forgive me after all I've done to you."
They both looked absolutely dumbfounded, no words reached either of their lips. I looked at them, my eyebrows creased and hot tears flowing fast down my cheeks. I wanted them to say something, I wanted them to say something so badly. But they didn't. I felt cold. "I'm sorry." I said. "I'm sorry. I know I'm not welcome, I'm sorry." I reached for Theo, but then pulled back. "We'll leave now. You don't have to call me."
"Taylor, no..." Mom said, reaching toward me as I walked to the door. I stopped and turned with my hand on the doorknob. "You're always welcome here." She said, soft and weak. "Always. No matter what."
I opened the door. Alex looked at me questioningly and my Mom stepped forward. "Where are you going?" My Dad's voice boomed, more gently this time.
I noticed Jessica still standing in the front hallway, and Avery staring down from the top of the stairs. They all saw the ring on Alex's finger now as she reached toward my mother to take Theo. They didn't know that Zac was the one who bought the ring for her. They didn't know that I asked the question he never got a chance to. "We have something to do." I mumbled, finally, and stepped outside. Alex followed silently behind me. I left the wedding invitations on the doorstep as we walked out of the house.
"Tay, wait!" My Mom called and ran to the door as I was getting in my car. "You can stay here. Please, come back later. Please stay for Christmas."
I didn't respond to her, I didn't know how. I got in my car and drove away - I was hoped she would understand that I was not leaving her. I could see her tears as she watched us drive away. My mother thought that maybe I was gone forever, but Alex waved goodbye, a gesture that indicated we would be coming back. She picked the wedding invitations up, and held them tight in her hands.
I stopped at the grocery store and came back with a dozen white roses. We drove silently to the graveyard, and held Theo's hands as he tottered with us to Zac's resting place. We knelt down in front of his grave on either side of Theo. I picked the thorns off of a rose, and handed it to Theo, who grasped it with his whole hand. "This is where your Daddy is, Theo, don't you ever forget him." He was too young to understand, but he looked up at us with big round eyes, both of us crying, and began to cry himself. Tears and sadness were the one emotion he recognized, even though his own tears usually stood for simple discomforts such as hunger, or sleepiness - he seemed to acknowledge us in a way I didn't think possible.
"Go on, Put the flower down in front of the tombstone," Alex said, nudging him gently forward. He looked between the two of us for a second and I pointed forward.
"Over there, Theo. So your Daddy can get it." He walked unsteadily forward and dropped the flower at the base of the tombstone, and then crawled back to us on the cold grass. Alex picked him up and held him against her breast.
"Oh Theo, my beautiful little boy. Your Daddy loves you."
"Dada?" He questioned, and pointed at me. I didn't know what we were supposed to do to explain this to Theo. How were we supposed to raise him understanding that I wasn't really his father, the situation was even troublesome to explain to my parents - what would I say to my children?
Alex sat him down on her knee. "Yes that's Daddy, but this is Daddy too. He's not around anymore. This is where people come to remember who your Daddy was."
Theo's curious eyes looked around, still wondering as we sat, silently speaking to Zac, and wondering if he ever listened. For several minutes we remained, watching our breath in the cold December air. I was counting my blessings in my head, and I wished, not for the first time, that he were still alive. I thought about how different my life would be had Zac been a little more patient, and waited in line with Alex before walking down the block. He would have seen a car crashed into the side of a building, and walked away. Instead, he was pinned between a car and a cement wall - paralyzed from the waist down, everything damaged. It was a stupid twist of fate, a freak accident. I wanted to slam my fists into the stone - why did it have to happen this way?
I stood up and walked away when I had nothing more to say, nothing more that I could think of that I hadn't thought of already. Alex followed suit, and we piled into the car. She didn't ask where we were going when I took a left turn unexpectedly. We arrived at another cemetery, and I took the rest of the eleven roses in my hands.
"Stay here." I said to Alex as I unwrapped the roses from the plastic paper that held them captive. She knew whom I was here for, but I begged her for my privacy. I needed to see Ani alone. I held the roses in my hands as I disappeared into the maze of headstones, guarded heavily by those buried beneath. I could feel the sharp prickers digging into my hands, but when I saw her name I only held them tighter. My fists and jaw clenched tight as tears pushed their way out. Crying for Zac seemed so natural, but crying for Annissa was a painful full body experience. My stomach clenched and my face contorted. I couldn't stop the pain that took hold of me. I felt her all around me. When I looked down at my hands I saw the blood dripping through my fingers. I wanted to get sick, but I knew Alexis would taste the sickness on my lips and push me away if I did. I heaved a choked sigh, and fell to my knees in resignation. "I miss you," were the only words I could say. My wedding band was tainted with blood.
I placed the flowers upside down on her grave, the blood dripping down the stems like teardrops and rain, staining the white petals of the roses. I stared at her name until I could no longer bear it. Snow started to fall as I walked away, and I met Alex at the car. She was standing outside with her arms crossed, shivering in the cold. Theo was asleep in his child seat up front.
"What happened to your hand?" She asked.
"Rose prickers." I replied. "Where's the first aid kit?"
She popped the trunk and pulled out gauze and bandages and wrapped my hand for me. "You know, you really need to stop doing this. You worry me."
"It's okay." I said. "I'm fine."
She wiped my tears with her fingers. We needed each other then - the tears were falling too fast. She kissed me on the lips, and a cold wind brushed by us. In the back seat of my car we melted together. Gently we kissed, and quietly we made love. She was the ointment for my open wounds, never scolding me for picking at the scab. We had no place to go but a cold empty home, so inside the car we stayed, leaning against each other as we fell to sleep.
When I returned home, my Mother let us in graciously, and said we could stay in my old bedroom. She hugged me for a long time and told me that she never wanted me to leave again. She was scared that it would be the last time she ever saw me, but she said somehow she knew that I would be back. My Mother always seemed to understand me, and she never condemned me for my faults. Never. Not even when it came back and slapped her across the face - I was always forgiven. I loved her for everything she gave to me that I didn't deserve.
My Father came in when I was reading to Theo. At first I think he was planning on lecturing me, but the sight of me being fatherly softened his features. I tucked the sleeping Theo in the old crib that we moved into the room, and looked at my father.
"I really want to call you irresponsible," He said. "But I can't. I'm sorry, Tay."
"It's fine." I said, tone nondescript.
"Ike's coming home tomorrow."
"Does he know I'm here?"
"No."
"Don't tell him." I pleaded, "Please don't tell him. I'm afraid he won't come."
He nodded and smiled at me, I was surprised by the smile, and after I recovered from the shock, I smiled back.
Alex and I stayed up late talking long after everyone else in the house had gone to sleep.
"It's eerie being with you in this room." She said. "After all of the times Zac and I were together in here."
"I'm so used to you two talking softly to each other as I went to sleep." I said. "This is so strange, you know?"
"I love you so much, Taylor." She said, and then, hesitantly, "I miss him."
"I do too," I said, moving closer to her. "I know he's keeping us safe."
We embraced, and I was kissing her neck. "Have you ever thought about having more children?"
"You and me?"
"Yeah..."
I looked up at her, "That would make me so happy."
She smiled, I could feel it. "After the wedding, I think... Lets try then."
"I love you." I said, against her neck. "You're so fucking beautiful."
Our bodies pushed against one another, and we kissed each other wildly. I pulled the sheets over our heads and crawled on top of her, straddling her stomach. She giggled at the waves of sheets, hair, and clothes that came into our faces as we rolled around on the bed. The bed squeaked beneath us as we moved against each other, and we laughed at the sound.
I was startled by the hall light pouring into the room and I pulled the sheets down to see who it was. I saw my Dad standing in the doorway with his arms cross - but that's all I could make out from his silhouette.
"Dad?" I said, realizing that my voice sounded breathy.
"I forgot you all were in here. I'm sorry..." He said softly.
"What are you doing?" I asked, surprised, and wondering. He didn't answer, but instead he threw my question back at me.
"What are you doing?"
I blushed, "Dad..."
"No, no, no. Not under this roof - you two are sleeping in separate beds."
"Dad..." I whined, how absolutely mortifying. "We're getting married in a few months, we've been sleeping in the same bed for..."
"I don't care. House rule is house rule. No girls in your bed."
I started laughing. I thought I had been caught, but all along he was frowning at the fact that I was sharing a bed with a girl.
"What?" He asked, his voice trying to be stern. I sat up, and moved next to Alex on the bed, clutching my stomach I was laughing so hard.
"What?" He repeated, but I couldn't stop. My father was standing in the doorway with his hands on his hips telling me I couldn't have a girl in my bed. I was twenty-three years old, living away from home, and he was reprimanding me for something so normal. I couldn't explain where the laughter came from, but it was barreling out of me at very high speeds. I felt like I was young again, I felt like I was fifteen - caught kissing a girl. This was a feeling I hadn't felt in almost two years - and this laughter came from a part of me I had forgotten about, buried deep underneath all of the blood and dirt and pain. Tears were streaming down my face, and I knew that a seed was soon to sprout a flower; the sun was coming up over the horizon, and pushing away the rainstorm. When my laughter calmed everything at that very moment was clear as day.
I hadn't laughed like that since before Zac's death - I don't think anyone in the family had, and I had never felt so good, a whole world of burdens seemed to be lifted from my shoulders. I wanted to laugh like that forever. My Dad didn't quite get why I was laughing, but neither did I. In the hall light I could see that he had a smile on his face.
"Happy to have you back." He said, before he shut the door.