Alex talked to her doctor, and in early October we booked out of there, practically afraid she was going to burst while we were sitting on the airplane. She didn't, though. I can't help but wonder what they would have done if she went into labor... what do you do about that kind of thing? Thirty thousand feet up in the air and having a baby... it wouldn't have surprised me if it had happened to her - but Zac always hated airplanes.
She spent a lot of time sitting down and moaning about things, wishing it would just be done with already. She rested a bowl of chips on her belly and snacked while watching television... and waddled slowly after us as we walked down the street. "My feet are fat. I can't even see them... but I can feel them.. they're fat, aren't they?"
October 16th rolled around in no time and there was nothing. She toddled about, whining and crying. She was afraid - she admitted to me one late night when she couldn't sleep - She didn't know if she could be a parent. Personally, I was more concerned at the moment with coaching. We had been to classes, but I didn't feel prepared. I was so confused... She wanted me by her side - and I felt lost about the whole situation. She understood this whole thing more than I could ever fathom - and she wanted me there to support her?
My father called me in to talk about what had happened at the hospital the last time I saw him. "I know it took you a lot to be able to show us something so intimate... I'm sorry for what I said. I was really upset at the time... I... I had no idea how bad it was. Taylor, I still love you, alright? You don't have to look at me like that, you don't have to avoid me." He told me, "I may never understand or agree - but I'm glad you're better."
Alex's mother flew in around the 18th, and by the 22nd there was still no sign of a baby. Alexis pulled out the clothes she had been planning to wear on Zac's birthday and moaned. "I was assuming the baby would be born when I bought these pants!" I had no relief. Isaac still gave me wary looks when I went places alone with Alex... but he never told anyone what he knew. We hadn't slept together since that day - I almost thought that maybe it was for the better. We probably shouldn't get into an intimate relationship at this point in our lives.
I went to the graveyard alone that morning. I was clutching a photo and flowers in my hands as I weaved between the gravestones... searching for the name. I found it to be already decorated and noticed gifts strewn everywhere. Some fans had obviously been through this morning... or earlier. I stood in front of his name staring blankly for a long time before I could do anything else.
I finally crumbled and collapsed to my knees in front of it. On top of the layers of dirt that covered his wooden box. I cried for quite some time - the tears flowing endlessly from my eyes - before I could say anything... or think anything. I hadn't cried so intensely for ages... my shoulders shuddered and my muscles were tight - I felt like it was happening all over again.
"You'd be 19 today." I finally said. "You'd be getting married soon. How do I know? I found the ring in your bedroom. You were going to ask her, weren't you?" I sniffed and continued, "Don't worry - I haven't told her. She's not ready yet. Maybe one day she'll know..." I was calming. "Alex is still waiting for her son. Theodore... Theodore Zachary Hanson. He's taking your name... our name I guess. Hanson." Pause. "We're taking good care of Lex for you." He always called her Lex. "She misses you... I miss you... We all miss you. Why can't you come back to us?"
"Life's been so... empty since you've been gone. So much has happened - where can I begin? I'm sure you've been watching... but I want to tell you anyways." In my head events were coming at me at a million miles an hour... I was talking to a fucking tombstone, and I didn't know what to say. "I fell in love. You would... have been so happy to see me in love, Zac. The only thing was... Her father beat her, she did coke, and I stopped eating... but we fucking loved each other. She committed suicide. Everything..." I was crying again, "Everything crashed down on my shoulders. I almost gave up. I mean, I got treatment... and the weight is back... Seventy fucking pounds... but... but everything's just as skewed as it was before. The only thing I understand is that I'm only better because I promised Alexis I would be by her side when she becomes a mommy. A mommy and... you... you won't be there to see." I cried softly. My throat kept closing up on me, and my words were melting together. "You'd have been the best father. He'll never know you."
I felt the yelps and screams in my throat - like I had at the wake, like I cried at his funeral... like the nightmares were coming again. But this wasn't a nightmare. This was reality. I was trying desperately to keep myself under control. "I miss you... so... fucking much. I'm visiting Annissa later. Talking to a fucking tombstone..."
I held out the flowers and the picture and placed them on the pile of gifts. "I got some flowers... and this photograph." I set it up. "It's of the three of is, just so you never forget while you're having all your fun up there. I'm probably going to nose through this stuff later. I know they're your gifts and everything, but... You know." I sat and cried, exchanging secret messages in my mind with Zac. He was listening... but he could not respond. I felt more hollow than anyone in the world.
"Happy Birthday." I finally said, and stood up on my shaky legs. I noticed some people standing a few yards away. They made eye contact with me and I looked away and walked to my car. Fans.
As I drove away I saw them leaving stuff on his grave.
When I returned home, everyone was rushing around and the house was bustling. I wanted nothing to do with it, today. I felt so lonely and empty - but people couldn't fill my hole. I felt myself dropping into old habits. I was searching in corners and drawers for a fix of something. My meals made me want to throw up, and the cycle was repeating itself all over again. I decided to leave again and grabbed a half empty pack of cigarettes on my way out.
I went back to the old convenient store, and spoke with Beth, who I hadn't seen since the day I found Annissa.
"Taylor..." She said softly when she saw me, "Oh, my god. I thought I'd never see you again..."
I shrugged, "Been gettin' along."
"I heard about what happened to you. I'm so sorry..."
I crossed my arms insecurely across my chest. Everyone heard what happened to me... I had been finding that out ever since I was released. I was ashamed of people knowing where I had been... and even worse, they all knew why.
"It's fine. Don't worry about me... How have you been?"
"I've been all right. A little lonely now that Nissa hasn't been around... but you know - I gotta keep going, eh?"
"Yeah, what a year." I said, "What a wretched, horrible year."
"There's been a lot of Hanson news..." She said, "It must be tough..."
"What can you do?" I sighed, "The press will never get off your back once they're on it." Pause. "I'll have a carton of cigarettes... Marlboros... and... and I'd like that bottle of Bacardi."
"Here you are..." We exchanged items and bills. I had exact change. "Come visit me again, soon, Taylor."
I nodded, "I will, don't worry." I took my box and headed to the graveyard again, with a cigarette between my lips. I knew where she was buried... I read it in the paper after she died... it was at a different graveyard than Zac, but nearby. I stopped at the florist and picked up some red roses before I arrived there.
I staggered between tombstones surveying names of people and stopped dead in front of hers. Annissa Marie Clare. I dropped my flowers and my cigarette and fell to my knees.
"Ani... Oh Christ, Ani."
I couldn't help but feel like this tombstone has probably heard things like that a lot of times, "Been tomb-stone talking lately..." I mumbled, "It's weird to talk to a tombstone like it's a person you loved... like they'll hear you on the other end of where they are. But... it's stupid, because I don't even know if you've ever heard me - or if this talking is useless because you can read my mind and have been hearing me all along. Hopefully by now you've moved on and your soul is somewhere happy... somewhere I'll be after I die... My life seems so long now that I'm going to have to survive without you two. Zac... then you...
"You know... it's been tough... but... I've gained my weight back, An. You'd be so proud. I wish you could have seen me healthy... and full. I'll never be healthy and full again. I haven't had a nightmare in a while... but I know they're hidden behind the medication. You know where I've been... you were in bed with me when I was alone at night... and... coming home... and... seeing Zac... It's all coming back... and I feel so lonely all over again. I'm so lonely."
I picked up the flowers beside me, "I did what every other idiot does, and I brought you flowers that will wilt away and die without you touching them or smelling them... or even getting a chance to admire them. It's the symbolism that counts, I suppose... but symbolism isn't enough for me... it isn't enough to fix anything. I miss you... My little everything for a few months... It was only a few months - but it could have been a lifetime. You saved me, Ani... and... and... I don't know... if I can save myself, anymore. But I'm trying... I'm trying for... for Isaac... and Alexis.
"Did I tell you Alexis is pregnant? She'll be a Mommy any day now - literally. Zac knew about it... he KNEW and they were going to tell us that Friday - and... and he got in the accident... and she went back home. She's having his kid, now... She has no money - and... and Ike and I want to support her... God knows we've got more money than we'll ever need - and..." I began to sob, "I'm just rambling now. I can't live with this."
I placed the flowers in front of her tombstone, and sat crying. "I think... I'm going to stay here for a while. I don't want to go back home to all of them... not when I feel... lonely... and insane."
I lit up a cigarette from my pocket and popped open the bottle of Bacardi. "I'm leaving the rest of this bottle for you. You know - I haven't drank alcohol for months." I took a sip and slumped back against the stone behind me. I sat like that for hours... Alcohol in one hand... cigarette in the other, slumped over and staring at her name. Over and over I sang "Hyper ballad" until my words were the same, and I couldn't hear myself anymore. The alcohol burned through my system... and nothing was clear anymore, except for the orange glow of the sunset.
"Taylor?" Came a voice. I couldn't recognize it, and the girl who said it was vaguely familiar, and I couldn't place who I thought she was.
"Who are you?"
"Taylor are you alright?"
"I'm fine... Leave me alone... I'm trying to be alone." I tried to push her away, "Who are you anyway? Well if you're a fucking fan... you're in the wrong fucking graveyard."
"It's Shannon - I'm one of Annissa's friends... We smoked pot together at your brother's wake... remember?"
"I don't know... I think so."
"Taylor... how much did you drink?"
"Too fucking much." I screwed the cap on the Bacardi. I had drunk more than half of the bottle. I moved and placed it in front of her gravestone. "The rest is for her." I pulled myself up, and that's when the dizziness set in. "Ugh. The world is rocking."
"Oh, God." She said and put her arm around me. "You can't even stand up straight... Taylor I'm driving you home."
"There's no way... I'm trusting some fucking fan with my address... I'm driving me home. Me. My car is over there... I need my car."
She pushed me into her car and closed the door. I moaned, and when the car began driving I felt dizzier than ever. I must have told her where I live... because all of the details of how I got home and what happened there are hazy. All I know is that the next thing I remember is that I was vomiting in the bathroom. Isaac stood over me and asked me over and over. "What are you doing? What are you doing? Why are you doing this?"
I had no answers for him. I felt so sick. I cried hard. "There are maggots in my throat."
"What?"
I kept throwing up. "Can't you see? They're eating me alive... I'm so sick... I keep throwing up maggots."
I don't think he could decide how to react to that. After he decided I was through throwing up he pulled me away from the toilet. "Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry Isaac." I curled up against his chest. "I'm so sorry for drinking as much as I did and throwing up."
"It's okay Tay... I think you'd better stay up here and rest."
"Okay." I sauntered over to the bed and cried all night until I fell asleep. In the morning I woke up with a horrible hang over and an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had been doing so well... two solid months without panic attacks, and dropping weight - and now all I wanted to do was throw up and snort coke. It was then I walked downstairs and stepped into my kitchen for some Advil and a glass of water. Alexis was standing in my kitchen (leaning against the counter, actually) eating snacks she had carefully balanced in a bowl on her stomach. She was only wearing sweatpants and an old T-shirt that didn't quite fit her maternal self - her belly partially hanging out the bottom of It.
She stood suddenly and dropped the bowl on the floor. I looked over at her, surprised, and she staggered a little and began blushing furiously. "I think my water just broke."