"Mommy..." I whimpered and held her close.
"You cut off your hair, Taylor... Why'd you do that?"
"It doesn't matter... I love you so much." My hands gripped her hair, which fell well below her waist. In her hair I smelt home.
"Well I'm here to pick you up..." She said, finally. "Guess where you're going today?"
"Where?" I was always enthusiastic when my mom asked me that... from childhood till then - at twenty-two.
"To the doctor with Alexis. You're going to see the baby..."
"Are you going, too?"
She shook her head, "No - just you. She wanted you to be there."
"Why me?" I was surprised.
She shrugged, "Maybe she thinks it'll help you." She placed her hand on my chest, and I realized I wasn't wearing T-shirt.
"Ma..." I pushed her hand away, ashamed. I crossed my arms across my chest, "I don't want you to see."
I had forgotten about the "Forever" across my stomach, and the burns on my arms. There was so much she didn't know, that I didn't want her to know. I looked at her then, and saw that she had aged significantly. She looked so old and tired. After all of these years nothing could wear her out, and suddenly - there she was, worked to the ground.
"It's not that bad... Taylor..."
I shook my head fast, "No... It's not fair. It's not fair what I'm doing to you. Please don't look at me - I don't want to hurt you anymore."
She complied. She turned her face away and I got up off of the other side, retrieving a T-shirt for myself. I sat down beside her and she was crying.
"Mom..." I kissed her, "I'm so sorry."
She was still sitting with her chin up, steady and strong. "I love you no matter what, Taylor. You won't let me look at you... I raised you - I watched you grow up... I've watched you fall down before - we're all falling, Tay. It hurts me that you feel like you should hide from me."
"I don't want you to see what I've done to myself, Mom." I kissed her cheek again, "I don't want to make you cry."
She hugged me, and I held her until she wiped away her own tears and stood up. Mike was lying in his bed, awake now. "Mike, I'm going... I'll see you Monday..." I told him.
"See you... Taylor." He said, miserably.
My mother and I signed out, and I told her stories about the other kids in my ward. She seemed interested, but I couldn't gauge how much or little she liked hearing it. She said Mike looked sick. I told her he was anorexic, worse than I was. I didn't tell her he was throwing up, almost nightly now.
My entire family accosted me when I arrived at home. I hadn't realized they were all coming to see me... I wanted to take them all back with me - and let Mike and The Stripe meet them. I wished I could keep them forever on my nightstand and talk to them any time I needed to feel home.
The house was noisy and I could barely get out of the room to change my T-shirt. I couldn't say I minded though, this was home for me. Home was where they were... even though I drifted away too many times. I was surprised at how much Mackenzie had grown - and how unbelievably hot my own sister was. I knew she was delicate, like me. I told God right then, 'Please don't let anyone hurt her.' Making pacts with God never seemed to work out for me, and I knew Jessica was going to get hurt. If I looked at her closely, I knew that she already had.
I was caught staring, and Jessica approached me. She was uneasy, I could tell before she spoke. "Hey, Tay... It's been a while."
"Yeah... it really has." I said, "You've changed a lot."
"So have you."
As the conversation progressed she continued to act weird and uneasy. I thought that she would have eased up after a while, but her constant fiddling and nervous demeanor were pounding my brain.
"Listen, Jess.. Is there something you want to... tell me?"
She looked up at me, and quickly began trying to hide her shock. "No. No..."
"You don't have to act weird around me, you know... It's not like my hospital bracelet is contagious. I'm still your brother."
"I know, but..."
"But what?"
"It's just hard to grasp, okay? I mean, you're the thinnest I've ever seen you... it's... it's scary."
I wished I could say something to make it all better... but the wound wasn't healing yet. "I'm getting better. I'll be okay... I'm doing a lot better, Jess. You don't need to be scared."
"But I am." She said, softly. Alexis made her way over and squeezed my hand. I looked up at her.
"Tay, it's time to go..."
"Listen, kid... Don't go away - I want to talk to you later..." I said as I inched away with Alex. "See you later..."
I walked hand-in-hand with Alexis into the doctor's office. I was nervous, and I knew my palms were sweating - she held tight anyway. We sat down and I took in the familiar smell of hospital sanitation. We talked nervously until the doctor came in.
"Hello Alexis... How have you been? Oh that's good. Whose your friend?"
"Oh, this is Taylor..." She said motioning toward me, and grabbing my hand.
"Is this a new boyfriend?"
Alexis looked at me, and blushed. "No. He's Zac's brother... I just wanted him to be here today."
"I see. Nice to meet you, Taylor." The female doctor said, taking my hand for a handshake. Alex's doctor seemed to at a more comfortable talking level with her than my therapist was with me. "So have you been staying relaxed? Is school starting again soon?"
"In a few weeks." She replied, "I'm going until the baby's born... Then taking the rest of the year off."
"I know that just kills you... because you love school so much, and all." Alexis laughed a little and shrugged.
I felt uneasy and shifted in my seat. Why was I here? They took measurements and weights and discussed while I sat awkwardly watching.
"Honey, why don't you lay down and we can take some Ultrasound pictures, okay?"
She smiled and lay down, raising her T-shirt above her belly and sliding her elastic pants below. I held her hand and squeezed it with anticipation. I watched the black screen intently, and suddenly there was a picture vaguely outlining a moving life form. I felt a jolt when I saw that, and suddenly it became real to me. Tears slipped from behind my eyes, and I couldn't decide which emotion they represented. All of the time Alexis was growing a small life inside of her, and it never fully penetrated me... but now it was real. This was actually happening.
"Tay, are you alright?" She was holding my hand close to her cheek.
"I'm fine..." I said, wiping my eyes with my free hand. "It just hit me, that's all."
"Look Tay..." She pointed at the movement on the screen. "He knows you're here, looking at him... he's waving... see?"
I smiled with tears slipping from the corners of my eyelids. I lifted her palm and kissed her on the inside of her wrist. "I'm here for you."
"Everything seems to be normal." The doctor said, "You've been doing very well... things started out a little rocky, but you know. Only a few more weeks... You're in your third trimester now... Keep eating well, get lots of sleep, and your little boy should be fine."
She smiled and squeezed my hand. "I'm glad."
"So - See you next week?"
Alexis sat up and pulled her shirt down. "Yep, next week."
We both rose and stood in the doorway of the room. "Take care, darling... and... Nice to meet you Mr. Hanson." The doctor stuck out her arm and I took her hand, grasping weakly. That was when she noticed my bracelet. "Just get out of the hospital?" She asked, casually.
I pulled my arm back quickly, without thinking, then blushed furiously when I realized what I had just done. I covered my wrist with my hand and stammered, "I... well... yes."
Alexis quickly began covering for me, "He's been sick, lately... He doesn't like to talk about it."
"I'm sorry." She shook my hand again, "Nice seeing you, again. I'll see you next week Alexis."
We both stepped out of the room and walked down the hallway. "Thanks for covering." I said, softly.
"Don't worry about it, Tay... I don't want everyone on earth to know either... because you're a sweet person, and I wouldn't want that overlooked."
We were in the car driving home. "So when's your due date?"
"October 15th."
"Wow, that's really close to Zac's birthday."
"I know... funny how that works out, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it is. So are you going back to Tulsa for his birthday - or do you have to stay here?"
"I think I'm going to have to stay here... The baby might not even be born yet, by his birthday."
"Maybe it'll be born on his birthday."
She paused and seemed to be picking apart what I just said in her head. "I'd actually kind of ... prefer if you guys stayed with me for Zac's birthday..."
"Why?"
She sighed a little, "I know you're still weak... but will you be with me when the baby's being born?"
"You want me to be there?"
"Well... yeah..." She blushed, "I want you to hold my hand when Zac's baby is being born."
I smiled softly, and pulled into my driveway. We took the stairs to the third floor and I fumbled with the keys to my door. I was more out of breath than she. I began to feel light headed and she grabbed my shoulder.
"Keep your head up."
I stood still and felt myself regain balance and the black spots stopped clouding my vision. "Thank you." I said, pushing the key into the door knob.
We stepped into the hustle and bustle of my family gabbing, and quickly had questions. How was it? Did Taylor enjoy it? What month are you now? When's the due date? Boy or a girl? This was their first time seeing Alexis since she left Tulsa, and everyone wanted to touch her and talk to her. Mackie wrapped his arms around her big tummy and pressed his ear against her.
"My Mom told me that if you listened hard enough you could hear two heartbeats."
She smiled, and from my position on the couch I saw tears forming at the corners of her eyes. He reminded me of Zac right then, too. I pulled Mackenzie next to me. "C'mere kiddo."
"Hey Taylor..." He said, seeming shy.
"Give me some of your insights on life." I said.
"Why? What would I know that you wouldn't?"
"A lot."
I didn't know why Jessica chose to spend the night while the others were staying in a hotel, but she did, and I told her she could sleep in Zac's room. I was glad she wanted to spend time with me - it felt like no one wanted to spend time with me since they saw me that morning. They finally saw how sick I really looked, and shied away. I longed to be loved by them, and they were nervous around me. The Hanson family never gets nervous.
It amazed me how much Jessica looked like Zac. A feminine version of Zac, Isaac and I all in one - and she, like my mother, only got the good traits. Beautiful wavy white-blonde hair and blue eyes like me. I was jealous, because my blonde had turned dark by the time I was sixteen.
After everyone had hustled out, Jess and I sat on the couch and watched MTV - a small luxury neither of us seemed to have time to enjoy.
"I could watch it - I guess... I'm just out all of the time nowadays. I never watch television."
"They have a TV in the game room at the hospital... I barely go in there, though - so I obviously don't watch it."
"Why do you barely go in there?" She seemed curious.
"I'm usually outside smoking or showering. I guess I'm not the most social person." I shrugged, and we both sat in silence. I didn't really know my sister like I knew my brothers - for obvious reasons. I didn't know what to say to her, and I guess - she to me.
"What's it like there?" She said, finally.
"It's okay, I guess. I only see people in my ward... I think we're all... kind of average. No one's really too far gone, yet, at least. I don't have any cool stories about schizophrenics or anything. Most everyone there just needs emotional healing, they all seem to have stress related disorders, like me. Why do you ask?"
"I'm just wondering. I mean, I've never been inside an institution before... I just wondered what the people are like... and if you have to lay around in a straight jacket all of the time and stuff."
"I've never been in a straight jacket." I said. "They did put me in one of those beds with the seatbelts and straps a couple of times, though." I blushed when admitting that. "If they let me go home they wouldn't have needed to."
"What? Why? What happened?" She seemed shocked, and scared... worried.
"Jess... calm down, it's no big deal. I was having episodes for a while, that's all. They were... bad episodes. I'm okay, now."
"Episodes?!"
"Panic episodes..." I started, and she opened her mouth to retort but I cut her off, "It's no big deal, okay? I'm fine."
She looked skeptical but seemed to ease considerably. "So what's the place like?"
"It smells like a hospital, but they try to make it seem 'homey' by allowing our own sheets and furniture for the rooms... but none of that helps much. The windows are still barred, and there're no doors. Not even for the showers. The people there are an odd mix. The kid I sit next to at lunch was molested and has some major sexual phobia... My roommate is anorexic... There's a kid in my group with aggression disorders and he'll get so angry if you say the wrong thing... he'll try and throw things and hit you. Another kid was into self mutilation and has cuts and designs all over his body... he cut off his finger." I sighed and went through the list, "One boy overeats... Mike tried to give him our portions one day when The Stripe wasn't looking... but we got caught later... both of our weight checks later that day were off. This new kid is a repeat-sex offender, which I think, is kind of ironic because of Angel... Angel refuses to shower with anyone else in the room, but he doesn't mind me because I sing."
"I lost you when you started talking about people as if I knew them."
"I... what?" Brain lapse.
"Whose Mike... and Angel? And what's 'The Stripe'?"
"Oh. Sorry... I must have spaced." I was feeling uneasy. "Mike's my roommate... Angel is the sex-phobic, and The Stripe is our supervisor. He makes sure I eat... and brings me places. Every two or three people have their own supervisor."
"That sounds so weird... Someone has to make sure you eat?" She laughed, "Did you tell them about how you used to clean out half the fridge in a day?"
"No... I failed to mention that..."
She poked me in the stomach and giggled, "Tubby."
I pushed her hand away and crossed my arms. She grew quiet, and I shook my head, "I know you meant nothing by it. Just don't touch me, okay?"
She sat back, but awkwardly beside me. She didn't know how to react. I lifted her chin so her eyes were forced to focus on mine, "Listen, it's okay. You don't have to avoid contact with me... I just don't... I'm ashamed - I don't like looking like a skeleton."
"You don't look like a skeleton."
"You didn't see me two months ago." I dropped my hands at my sides, and they clapped against the couch, the sound was followed by a long awkward silence. "So - Jess, what's been going on back home?"
"Same ol' same ol'. Avery still sleeps in my room without my permission... Mack still sits in his room doing whatever he does... Zoë's been doing well... Dad and Mom are going crazier than any of us are... Mom still cries at night, and Dad looks tired all of the time. He's always standing in your doorway."
"How have you been holding up?"
"I've been okay." She hesitated, "My summer break has been the same as always - almost. I spend as much time away from home as possible, though. Mom and Dad are depressing to be around..."
"Are they worried about me?"
"You... Alexis... Zac... It's everything. Everything's falling apart, Taylor." She sounded so hopeless when she said that. It made me avert my eyes and make diversions in my head.
"Everything's not falling apart... It just feels that way."
"How can it just feel that way?"
"We're overwhelmed. That's all... everything feels worse than it is. Zac always wanted a child - and Alexis is giving him one... that's a good thing, right?"
"But Zac isn't here, Tay. She's alone now."
"But she's not... she's always got us."
"Are you going to be there for her? Are you going to be at her side when the baby is crying? It's not the same."
I swallowed hard, "I will be there as much as I possibly can for her... like Zac would have done... She is not going through this alone. No one's going through anything alone. It's just as important to me that she has a healthy baby and a good life as it is to anyone else."
Jessica didn't respond with words... but I could feel by her stare that she wanted the believe me, but didn't quite. She thought I was a different Taylor... She saw me as the younger, more irresponsible version of myself - except now with fraying nerves.
The conversation the rest of the night remained on light subjects and banter about family, and the people I had met at the hospital. She told me I should write a book, and I told her I thought it would be boring. She thought my life was interesting... wished her life was crazy like mine, sometimes. I told her she was along for the ride - she just didn't know it.
That night she showered then slipped in Zac's room. I took my shower after her, I was in there for an hour, just reveling in the clean tub and the curtain that surrounded me. I sat down and let the water pound against my back. It relaxed me - the water did. That was the one thing I loved about living near the ocean. Sitting on the sand, and listening to waves made me feel so tranquil. I was surrounded by it... the warm water beating down on my back - it made me feel safe.
I stepped out of the shower in a peaceful haze, and wrapped a towel around my waist before exiting the steamy room. I inhaled deeply, and I felt at ease... the muscles in my back were loose. I heard Isaac walking in the front door and I noted the time. Three-thirty, and I wondered why he was coming home so late.
I slid on a pair of boxer shorts and wandered out to greet him.
"Where have you been?"
He was drunk, and sloppy. "I was out..."
"Drinking?"
"Yeah... but I'm alright."
"Jess is over tonight. She's sleeping in Zac's room."
"Oh." He said. "Well... I'm really tired, I'm going to bed." He staggered a bit as he walked to his room down the hall. He shut the door and presumably went to sleep. I walked toward my room at the end of the hallway, and stopped between Isaac and Zac's rooms to listen to the sobbing on both ends.
I began to wonder if hope was worth anything, as I retreated to my bedroom. I let my head sink into my pillow and closed my eyes, softly letting tranquil sleep drift over me. The following Monday I wouldn't be able to enjoy the comforts of home for another five days... but I would always have someone else's sobbing to lull me to sleep.