She finished tending to their only customer and walked over to me, "What do you want Taylor?" She asked in mock annoyance.
"Check what I found." I said pushing a bunch of metal cookie cutter-like letters toward her.
"Um, should this ... disturb me in any way?" She asked, with questioning eyes.
"You'll see, later."
"What are we going to do with them? They're like one centimeter high. Where did you get this?"
I sighed, "Just wait till later."
"Then why did you show them to me now?"
I shrugged, "Because I wanted to see you and I figured it would be an excuse." I blushed and shoved the letters in my pocket.
She smiled, "You're cute when you blush like that." She rubbed my hands over the counter.
"You're cute no matter what you do." I said grinning at her.
"No, not me!" She said in mock disbelief.
I grinned and in a momentary silence the words of the song being played on the store radio cut into my thoughts. "Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that... I can't see me loving nobody but you for all my life."
It took her a second to get it, but when she overheard the song being played on the store radio she smiled at me, "You're such a loser."
I leaned in and smiled at her and began to sing softly along to the radio, "Me and you, and you and me. No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be. The only one for me is you and you for me... so happy together." She was giggling like crazy and sang along with me at the chorus.
"I can't see me lovin' nobody but you for all my life! When you're with me baby, skies'll be blue for all my life!"
I grabbed her hand and she began to dance with me along to the music, both of us laughing with big stupid grins on our faces, "So happy toge-e-ther! How is the weather?"
"It's nice." She said with a twinge of southern in her voice.
"So happy together."
The song finished, and led pleasantly into the next with a "B105.5 Fun Oldies!" Message in between. A customer had just entered the store but we were too busy laughing to even look up, my hands clasped in hers and tears of laughter streaming down my face.
"Oh man," I said, wiping my eyes, "Oh man, come on you have to sing to this song." I pulled her around the counter.
"An oldies boy?" She asked wiping her own laughing tears away, but following Me.
I took both of her hands and began to dance with her. "Who doesn't love a little Top loader in their life?" I laughed and then sang, "We get it on most every night," I heard her growl, "When that moon is big and bright. It's a supernatural delight. Everybody's dancing in the moonlight. Everybody here is out of sight... They don't bark and they don't bite. They keep things loose they keep it tight. Everybody's dancing in the moonlight."
Laughter was in my throat as we sang the chorus, "Dancing in the moonlight, everybody's feeling warm and bright! It's such a supernatural delight - everybody's dancing in the moonlight!" She did a bit of a twirl and we began to dance that probably resembled a sloppier version of what you see in those old 1960s high school prom movies. I felt like my Mom and Dad looked when they danced together.
"Where'd you learn to dance?" She asked between giggles.
"I don't know, where'd you?"
"In the moonlight." She replied, and we collapsed in laughter before the song even ended. We heard applause and saw a two patiently waiting customers clapping frantically, obviously amused with the show. She looked at me and the big dorky grin on her face reflected my own as she headed to the back of the counter again.
"I'm sorry," She was still suppressing giggles, "I'm sorry - He's just too distracting." I smiled and waved to her from over the counter as she scanned an older woman's items.
"Oh don't worry dear, it's quite alright, very cute. It reminded me of back in my own day - When kids actually danced as opposed to this wavy-arm bopping thing they seem to do nowadays." Annissa smiled sweetly and finished scanning her items.
"$34.53." She said accepting bills from the lady. I stuck my tongue out at her and she giggled turning her face away, placing change in the woman's hand.
As the older lady left the store the only thing she could do was shake her head and say, "Young love."
When I saw her later my face glowed at the memory from the store. I embraced her tightly and said, "Come on upstairs."
She followed me into my room where we sat on my bed, "Ike wants to go back to work in L.A." I announced, "And... I want you to do something for me, so that, no matter what I do I'll never forget that I love you."
She leaned closer, "What is that?"
I pulled out the letters and a lighter and rolled up the sleeve to my shirt. I held the little T up over my lighter and handed it to her, "Press this into me."
"Tay I..." She looked at me.
"Just do it." I said, "I'm asking you to."
When she was through "TAY©ANI" was spelled out on my left forearm, burning. The letters glowed red and raw, the way my skin felt when the hot metal first made contact. It felt good.
She rolled up her sleeve. "My turn." She said, and on the inside of her right forearm "ANI©TAY" was written in raised red letters. She didn't wince once.
"This way..." I said softly, "We'll never forget. I love you more than ... more than I can even say. I've never felt this way. I never want you to think any less of yourself."
She kissed me softly, "Thank you, Taylor. I'll miss you when you're gone."
There was a pregnant pause, and we both were feeling that subdued satisfaction, looking at what we had done to ourselves. It stung my arm, but I couldn't help but feeling a rush from it. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her, and we lay sleepily for a very long time.
"I'm thirsty." She finally said. We got up and sauntered down the kitchen, pulling our sleeves nervously over our arms. I smiled secretly at her feeling like a kid who just did something so satisfyingly bad. I got her a glass and she drank an orange juice from my refrigerator. I drank a glass of water from the tap.
"Hey." Came a voice, "First time I've ever seen you in this area of the house." It was Isaac. He looked at Ani.
"Hey Ike," She said casually, smiling at him.
We both exchanged a glance and a secret smile. He looked somewhat flustered, as if sick of being left out. "Hey." he responded. "I'm going to get some stuff upstairs," he mumbled before leaving the room.
"Hey Tay - What's down here?" She said, noting the door Isaac had just emerged from.
I sipped my water, "The playroom. That's where we rehearse."
She smirked, "Oh, Funny. Taylor Hanson's a musician?! I haven't heard a single piano note from you since I've met you!"
"The funeral." I pointed out.
"That hardly counts! I mean, in terms of practicing!"
"I practice when you're not around," I lied.
"Liar." So I was caught. "Come and play something, Tay!" She led me down the stairs to our basement.
"No."
"Why not? It's your job!" She said, rolling her eyes at me.
"Ani... I don't want to." I said softly.
"Suck it up, you have to do it sometime. Now go on." She pushed me toward the baby grand piano we had sitting in the center of the room. It had been months since I actually came down to this room, much less play. I edged toward the piano carefully, as if it was going to jump out and eat me. I sat down softly, letting my fingers glide over the keys. It had been awhile but I was quickly remembering how to play again. After a few slow scales I played the chords to a few songs and reviewed in my head things that were once so natural. I turned to her and smiled weakly.
"What do you want to hear?"
"Anything." She said. I rolled my eyes.
"Come on - there's got to be something you've always wanted to hear me play... you're a fan aren't you?"
"I don't care."
Sigh. "You're the least helpful person ever. I'm going to play..." I paused in thought, "This Time Around."
I started the intro and suddenly it felt as if I was sucked into a time warp. I felt like I was seventeen all over again, the tune reminding me of a time in my life. I sang the first verse and I heard her singing along. I turned and smiled at her as we sang.
I closed my eyes and I was brought back, to another time, another place, and as I approached the chorus I whipped around yearning to hear the expected drum hook. When nothing came, I opened my eyes, when I saw no one there I trailed off and stared at my hands, playing nothing.
"I need to stop doing that," I laughed, "I'm not seventeen anymore."
My eyes burned, and I started to play again staring at my hands in silence. I could feel her eyes at my back. She didn't buy my flippant remarks, not anymore. Not ever.
"Taylor, stop crying." She said, coldly to my back.
I didn't respond to her, I sang instead, changing to another chord progression, another song. "You can only push someone so far. You can only break so many hearts. You can only wait so long before your flower petals are all gone..."
"Stop ignoring me." I heard tears in her voice and I turned my face to her. My eyes were wet.
"Baby, I was trying to burn bridges of stone."
She shook her head. I don't know why or what I was doing that lead her to - but she turned and left the room without a word. I must have turned on a switch that she wanted off, forever, in her head. I stopped playing and my heart sunk in my chest. Playing music again made me feel vulnerable, and lonely. It was so foreign, now. I buried my face and talked aloud to myself. "God, what's wrong with me? What did I do?"
"I don't know... You're full of surprises today, Tay. I haven't seen you down here in a while." Isaac spoke. I looked up, slightly shocked. He kept appearing.
"I know, Ani wanted me to play."
"Where is she?"
"I think I upset her, somehow." I said.
"Um, here's a solution... go up and talk to her."
I shook my head. "Ike, don't be an asshole. By the way, when do you want us to leave?"
"Tay, I want to go soon... we need to work again... We have an almost complete album - the least we could do is finish it and release it."
"I don't know if I want to start work again," I sighed, "How long are you willing to wait?"
"Why?" He said, "Why wait?!"
"I'm worried about An, I'm not going to leave until I know she's alright..."
"I'm sure she'll be fine. Maybe you shouldn't worry."
"A few more weeks, Ike? Please... that's all, and then we can leave for L.A."
He paused. "Fine." He finally said, "I'll book a flight for three weeks from now. You have three weeks to spend with Annissa. You know, telephones and cars exist in California."
"It's not the same," I said softly. "I'm going to go up and talk to her..."
She fell into my arms when I opened them to her. I held her narrow frame and stared into her eyes. I loved how delicate she looked... like a tall narrow French model, with pale green eyes - the iris's surrounded by a deep shade of forest green. She was so intense... so placid. Outwardly her demeanor was so graceful, unbreakable... but moments like these made me understand that she was flesh, and her bones were just as fragile as they looked.
"I'm sorry baby." I said. I didn't know what I had done... but she was crying. "I'm sorry."
"I love you, you know." She said, "I love you more than I can bear, sometimes."
"What did I say, how did I hurt you?"
She shook her head, "It's not you."
Ani looked like a girl who should be quiet, delicate, and pure. The Ani everyone else saw was just that. The Ani I saw was everything else. She was falling apart. In my room we snorted cocaine and she leaned forward to kiss me.
"the hours rise up putting off stars and it is
dawn
into the street of the sky light walks scattering poems
on earth a candle is
extinguished
the city
wakes
with a song upon her
mouth having death in her eyes
and it is dawn
the world
goes forth to murder dreams....
i see in the street where strong
men are digging bread
and i see the brutal faces of
people contented hideous hopeless cruel happy
and it is day,
in the mirror
i see a frail
man dreaming
dreams
dreams in the mirror
and it
is dusk
on earth
a candle is lighted
and it is dark.
the people are in their houses
the frail man is in his bed
the city
sleeps with death upon her mouth having a song in her eyes
the hours descend,
putting on stars....
in the street of the sky night walks scattering poems"
Her voice was raspy when she recited the poem to me. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and she kissed me goodbye. Three more weeks, I told her. Three weeks... I love you.
How could I know what those weeks would bring.
Lyrics (C) Toploader ("Dancing in the moonlight"), The Turtles ("Happy Together"), poem (C) e.e. cummings ("impression - iv")